I’ve cried a lot this week. It took me back to the time when I was sixteen and have been diagnosed with depression. With counselling and the right treatment, I’ve managed to crawl out of that dark hole.
I’ve sworn to myself: “Never again!”
A promise that I’ve always managed to keep so far. Mainly, due to the fact that I’ve learned to recognise the signs and seek help in time.
Sure, there was though times. When my dad passed away after his batlle with cancer, I knew I needed help. My GP put me on antidepressants for a year, and after that I was fine.
Now I am facing that hideous monster once again, but this time I am not sure if I will be able to win the battle again.
It all started when I was retrenched at the end of 2018. I was still reeling from that shock, when we found out my mom has cancer. So here I was; not only trying to find a job and generating some sort of an income, but also trying to deal with my mom’s illness. Watching her getting sicker and more frail daily. Until her passing in July 2019.
I was still coping with it all, until 2020 , when the Coronavirus arrived. And with it, also the end of the opportunity I had, that would have at least provided half of my required monthly income.
So, I’ve turned back to trying to generate an income online. But even though there are many things I can do well, I don’t seem to be very good with marketing. If you don’t get noticed, you don’t get any work.
This is why I now feel that I might loose the battle this time. Because money still makes the world go round. And treatment and medication is expensive.
What do you do when you know you need help, but you can’t afford to pay for it?
What do you do if your faith falters? What do you when you believe that God can – but you struggle to believe that He will…
But His mercy is fresh and knew everyday. Because somehow you find the strength to go on. Sometimes you just need to take a step back from everything, and stop thinking so much!
I like to take a walk through my garden and watch all the plants grow. Or sit and watch the birds fighting over the seeds in the bird feeder.
This helps to calm me down and remember that just as our Father looks after every little bird and flower – how much more will he look after me!
Thanks for reading.